When you can see the road but the client can't

Elaine de Kooning self portrait 1946

What skills must we use as coaches when we can see the client's path but she cannot? How do we lead clients through expert use of questioning skills? How do we encourage clients to steer their ship in the direction of the unconscious, the blind spot, the place they were not thinking they needed to go?

As coaches and facilitators, we must manage to lead and not-lead, manage to direct and not-direct, manage to guide the client and yet allow the client to guide us.

When it comes to client blind spots, the things they don't know they don't know...we need to remain mindful of two things:

1) the cyclical level of the learning spiral that the client is currently moving through

2) the pace at which the client is moving through that level of experiencing

An example could be a client who is struggling to step into her power as an adult woman, but continues to defer to her parents and their opinions. As coaches, we can say "stand up, be bold, empower yourself, take control." But the client cannot process that. The client does not understand what that would look like or be like experientially. The client hears your words but has no idea what they mean. She can't translate those words into her behavioral repertoire.

We must slow down, back up, and assess how far the client is from being able to take those steps. We must assess what other learnings and lived experiences the client needs in order to begin to see what's in the blind spot. We need to understand how we can help the client imagine herself taking that stance. But not just in behavior.

The felt experience of doing something new is what the client can't experience until there is a readiness. That involves moving further around the spiral of his or her development in this area, let's say the parental separation. The client has to come to embody the feeling of independence and separation from the parental influence. Shifts need to occur internally and also outwardly through how the client interacts with her parents and with authority figures generally.

Baby steps. We ask the client to articulate what it might feel like to approach mom and dad from a fully adult stance. We ask the client to describe how she would speak about her own vision in the presence of her parent's potential disapproval or indifference. We assess again and again, as the client moves through new understandings, how far she is from the transformative nature of being able to stand in her power in the presence of her parents. And we keep guiding. In baby steps. Onward.

Journey by Edna St. Vincent Millay, 1921

Ah, could I lay me down in this long grass And close my eyes, and let the quiet wind Blow over me—I am so tired, so tired Of passing pleasant places! All my life, Following Care along the dusty road, Have I looked back at loveliness and sighed; Yet at my hand an unrelenting hand Tugged ever, and I passed. All my life long Over my shoulder have I looked at peace; And now I fain would lie in this long grass And close my eyes. Yet onward! Cat birds call Through the long afternoon, and creeks at dusk Are guttural. Whip-poor-wills wake and cry, Drawing the twilight close about their throats. Only my heart makes answer. Eager vines Go up the rocks and wait; flushed apple-trees Pause in their dance and break the ring for me; And bayberry, that through sweet bevies thread Of round-faced roses, pink and petulant, Look back and beckon ere they disappear. Only my heart, only my heart responds. Yet, ah, my path is sweet on either side All through the dragging day,—sharp underfoot And hot, and like dead mist the dry dust hangs— But far, oh, far as passionate eye can reach, And long, ah, long as rapturous eye can cling, The world is mine: blue hill, still silver lake, Broad field, bright flower, and the long white road A gateless garden, and an open path: My feet to follow, and my heart to hold.