How to Coach through Triggers

Portrait of Vera Beckerhoff, 1972 by Alice Neel

The key to dealing effectively with triggers is knowing what they are and where they came from. As with some traumas, its clear there are certain situations, people, places, or sensations that will trigger a re-experiencing of the trauma. Today, I want to talk about emotional triggers that are not as clear-cut in origin still result in intense emotional reactions.

As coaches, its our job to remain open and neutral and in service to the client during the coaching encounter. So as coaches and facilitators, we must maintain that stance. In order to do so, we must know our own triggers.

We must also be exceptionally skilled at 1) recognizing our client's triggers and 2) helping our clients to recognize their own triggers, bringing light and awareness to this unconscious part of the psyche, in the most skilled and helpful way possible.

Recognizing your own triggers, as a coach, starts with taking an inventory of the people in your life. This is the easiest place to start. Break down your life into 5 year intervals and list all the people who were very important to you during that 5 year time-span. What messages did you receive from each? In what way was each person loving, kind, helpful, or critical, negative, distant? Notice any lingering feelings of longing, regret, resentment, etc. This gives you clues to unresolved emotional experiences that can result in feeling triggered by current situations and people.

A second strategy is to think of any family members, friends, colleagues, or clients who you find yourself strongly. Are there any? If so, do you find yourself having intense feelings of anger based on things that they might say or do? This is an indication that this particular person is "pushing your buttons." The person has "triggered" a cascade of emotion and the physiological responses that accompany intense emotions such as fear or anger.

A third strategy is to look at needs that we fear will not be met: Which of these needs seem primary for you? When we are fearful that our primary needs won't be met, we lose some of our presence in the moment and the triggering of intense emotions begins. Understanding our primary need-orientation and that we are being triggered by fear of the need not being met is what can help us navigate those intense moments with more insight, clarity, and self-acceptance.

CONNECTION: acceptance, affection, appreciation, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, consistency. empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect/self-respect, security, stability, support, to know and be known, to see and be seen, to understand and be understood, trust, warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING: air, food, water, freedom of movement, rest/sleep, sexual expression, safety, shelter, touch, exercise HONESTY: authenticity, integrity, presence

PLAY: joy, humor

PEACE: beauty, communion, ease, equality, harmony, inspiration, order

AUTONOMY: choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity

MEANING: awareness, celebration of life, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose self-expression, stimulation, to matter, understanding

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Here's a beautiful poem to sit with and allow yourself to be triggered by. May it connect you to the beauty of menstruation.

poem in praise of menstruation by Lucille Clifton

if there is a river more beautiful than this bright as the blood red edge of the moon          if there is a river more faithful than this returning each month to the same delta          if there is a river braver than this coming and coming in a surge of passion, of pain          if there is a river more ancient than this daughter of eve mother of cain and of abel          if there is in the universe such a river          if there is some where water more powerful than this wild water pray that it flows also through animals beautiful and faithful and ancient and female and brave